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Engagement and wedding in an Albanian way
Summer in Albania is a very hot time. It's not only because of high temperatures, sometimes reaching 40 degrees in the shadow, but it's mainly a very hot time in the parochial office. In July, August and September many emigrants come home to get married. They don't have much time, just two or three weeks, so it involves a lot of trouble. Some don't come to the office until one week before their wedding. Those are sent away empty-handed. Albania is a very small country and really many people emigrate to work in Greece, Italy or anywhere else. In almost every family there are at least two or three people who work abroad.
Shkodra is the biggest town in the north of Albania. About 60 thousand Catholics and the same number of Muslims live there. Every Sunday the streets of this town are full of decorated, honking cars, which accompany the bride and groom on their way from the bride's house to her husband and than to the church and to the wedding party. In Albania it's said that a girl doesn't have her own house until she gets married. There are always two weddings in Albania. The first wedding takes place in the bride's house one day before her moving out to her husband. It's only for her family and friends who say goodbye to her. The bride is very serious and sad on this day. She parts with her loved ones so it would be unseemly for her to be happy. She must show everybody that she had good parents. But on the second day, during the second wedding, she should be happy and pleased although her situation doesn't seem to be in bright colours. She should hope that her parents have made the right choice. Because the groom is in reality the choice of her parents and he is usually much older than she is. And she doesn't have much time to get to know him.
Engagement is a very important thing in Albania, one can even say: decisive. After successful engagement it is out of question to split up, especially on the bride's side, because her father's or her brother's life could be in danger. Such things happened not a long time ago. A girl doesn't have much to do. She has to care about her reputation. She shouldn't go out on her own, especially in the evening. She shouldn't meet boys so as not to fall in love. Marriage of two peers is out of question, although sometimes exceptions happen. The only thing a girl can do is to pray. That's why they pray a lot for their "happiness", they often have a Mass said for "their happiness". In Albania this term is also used to describe the husband. The phrase "fati em" - "my happiness" means "my husband". Because the husband is a woman's happiness, her destiny. Especially if there are more girls than good husband materials.
Generally, men can think about marriage when they are 30, or even later, when they can afford it. That's why so many of them emigrate, in quest for work and earnings. At the beginning they work illegally until they get work permit. It sometimes lasts years. When they finally pay their debts off, save some money and buy a flat or build a house in Albania - only then they can think about engagement. The bachelorhood on emigration is very tiring, especially if you are a physical worker. That's why they are in such a hurry to get married.
Engagement is generally a family matter. Sometimes friends give advice. They look for a suitable candidate: healthy, young, strong etc. And the most important thing: she should come from a good family. A "shkuesi" - a matchmaker - is needed to finalize everything. According to the custom, if he is successful, he gets shoes. After all he has to walk much...
A shkuesi pays the girl's family a visit. He puts the case forward. He presents the candidate's virtues and asks the parents to think the proposal over and give him an answer in the next two or four weeks. He also asks if he can bring the interested party along next time. In the meantime the father and brothers or, if she doesn't have them, an uncle try to find out as much as they can about the candidate. Is he really from a good family? Who are his father and brothers? Aren't they entangled in any blood feud? It concerns the so-called gjakmarrje - vendetta. Is he an honest person? Hasn't he been in prison? Isn't he already married? Isn't there any blood relationship (till the seventh generation inclusive) etc.? Then they tell their daughter about everything and she should decide if the candidate is worth efforts. After all, she may not like the picture she is shown; he may be too old, too ugly or maybe lame. But if she is interested in him, the shkuesi who drops by from time to time gets a positive answer and comes with the candidate for a cup of coffee. There may be a few such meetings before the girl finally decides. Sometimes her parents help her to take a decision.
When the engagement date is finally set, hard times for the fiancé start. It is a big investment for the fiancé and a big celebration for both families. The bridegroom gives his chosen one a so-called "sign", i.e. many expensive presents like a golden ring, a watch and other jewellery, the wedding dress and other things that are needed for the wedding. His father and brothers get an appropriate sum of money as well. That's why it's sometimes jokingly said that that their daughter has already been sold!
Depending on the situation the engagement procedure may be modified. If the fiancé works abroad and has no possibility to come home, the matchmaker arranges everything. The bridegroom comes directly to the wedding. In such cases the "young couple" have known each other before. Obviously not all young people get married that way. Some of them meet, fall in love and decide to get married. But they are a minority, about 10 or 20%. However, because of a big migration of people from the mountains to the towns, the customs change as well. Despite a significant age difference (sometimes she is 18 years old, or even 16 or 17, and he is 30 or 38) there aren't many divorces: only about 10%.
For Albanian people marriage means first of all duty!
Pashka from Gjuraj in the Dukagjinu mountains, in the North of Albania, was betroth to her husband when she was 8 years old. At school children laughed at her saying: "our fiancée" didn't do homework today or "our fiancée" can't answer the question. Today her own children (and she has nine of them) laugh at her saying that even at the day of her wedding she didn't know who would become her husband although had been living at the other side of the valley. But Paska says: 'Gjeloshi, despite his stammering, is the best husband I could ever have'.
Shkoder - Albania
Brother Włodzimierz Mamala, OFM
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